Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You Author: Visit Amazon's Patricia Evans Page | Language: English | ISBN:
158062569X | Format: EPUB
Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You Description
From Library Journal
An interpersonal communications specialist, Evans (The Verbally Abusive Relationship) has written a timely book that not only helps readers free themselves from controlling types but also seeks to explain the occurrence of verbal abuse, battering, stalking, harassment, hate crimes, gang violence, tyranny, terrorism, and territorial invasion. What she calls a "compelling force" overcomes these controllers; because they sense the overwhelming "psychic pain, distress, and discord permeating the world," they must impose a twisted kind of order on their friends, lovers, and acquaintances. Often, she continues, people with good intentions end up doing the opposite of what they would need to do to realize a goal or fulfill a need. This is a compelling work, but it belongs in the hands of counselors; lay readers who feel controlled will find it worthwhile but hard going. Public and academic libraries with special collections on relationships should also strongly consider. Susan E. Burdick, MLS, Reading, PA
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
"...the most important thing is to realize that you don't deserve to be treated that way."-Oprah Winfrey (advance praise for Controlling People); "A groundbreaking new book."-Newsweek
- Paperback: 300 pages
- Publisher: Adams Media; 3 edition (February 1, 2003)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 158062569X
- ISBN-13: 978-1580625692
- Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
Patrician Evans has developed a wonderful and plausible theory as to why certain people are compelled to control others.
All people have four internal functions available to them to use as internal guidance: their ability to think, their emotions, their physical sensations and their intuition.
Controlling people (CPs) have suffered some kind of emotional or physical trauma as children or adults that has caused them, as a defense, to shut down one or more of the first three functions. Oftentimes, the only function they use is their thinking function. This leaves them feeling empty inside. And it's a tough way to live.
For this reason, they are attracted to "four functioning" people. Once they feel secure with another person, they project their idea of a perfect person into the other person. The don't see the person for who she/he really is.
People can tell when they're in the presence of a CP because they will be defined by the CP (for example, "you're not hungry!") as if the CP can know another person's internal reality. They will not be listened to, the conversation will frequently make no sense and the CP will most likely be verbally abusive.
CPs see others much as children see their teddy bears: the perfect friend who knows exactly what the CP is thinking, who never talks backs or disagrees and who has no separate needs of their own.
CPs build their sense of sense of self from the outside in--not the inside out as is normal. Their personalities are constructs created by themselves to win the love and admiration they seek. They don't come from a place of deep authenticity. They have no sense of themselves. They need to anchor inside another person. Without that anchor in another, they feel lost and adrift, almost as if they are going to die.
Clarity!
This book is awesome. It offers understanding where no one else does. I truly believe it is new groundbreaking insight into the world of the Controlling Person. I say this with confidence because I, like the reviewer "Alliasus" here, have also read stacks and stacks of psychology and self help books in all-out effort to understand my Controlling Person husband of 18 years.
En route, I gained lots of helpful insight, but, NO insight, at all, as to why he is the way he is. On this basis I can say I don't believe this information existed until Patricia Evans wrote this book. I think this is all-new insight, and counselors and lay people alike really need to read it!
I think when people begin to discover this book there will be no stopping it. Because there are legion of us out here who live in relationships that make no sense. Our partners act awful and senselessly, but yet, we know in our hearts they are not evil at heart, and our hope in humankind says there must be some sense to this? Well, there is. Patricia Evans finally makes sense of it in this book.
What a relief, to have the pressing mystery solved. When you are a woman and this is your marriage, the mystery rather takes over your whole life. It is a major epiphany to finally get the light of understanding. Therefore, I understand exactly why yet another well-read reviewer here says that this book is second only to the Bible. I know just what she means. The Bible is the most important book in my life too. I know I will always have this book (Controlling People) right up there on my list of most important books I have ever read in my life. Bible-Lovers: this doesn't mean Patricia Evans has Bible quotes in here. There are none.
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